judge city

Defendant: Sno Balls

Plaintiff(s): People unaware of how delicious Sno Balls are, iCarly

Offense: Causing obesity/diabetes

Time: Anytime

Case: Like the Eskimos apparently have many words for “snow,” the English language has many definitions for a “snowball.” From the Merriam-Webster definition to the Urban Dictionary one, there is only one snowball I trust. And that is the one spelled without the “w.”

The Sno Ball, originally created by Hostess to give our WWII troops sweet, sweet happiness, is a chocolate cake hidden inside a fluff of marshmallow and sprinkled with tiny pink coconut shavings. In the 1950’s, some Wizard incorporated creme filling within the already immaculate Sno Ball, making everyone’s teeth just a little bit more tingly. Who doesn’t like more tingly?

Anyways, now the world is falling apart. The richer are getting richer and poor are getting dangerously poorer.  Everyone hates each other and I cry during Teen Mom. These are tough times. Think it’s a coincidence that the world sucks at the same time Hostess is bankrupt? I think not.

What prompted me to take up this seemingly non-existent issue (unless you consider the fact that Hostess is bankrupt…IS NO ONE ELSE CONCERNED!?) is that I caught an episode of  iCarly while nannying. In this particular episode, goofy friend, Sam, is given a chance to tour the Fat Cake Factory in Canada. It’s funny because Fat Cakes look eerily similar to Sno Balls!  And Fat Cakes are so fatty they are banned in America. In fact, Sam nearly gets arrested for trying to smuggle Fat Cakes across the border. Poor Sam, did she not see Maria Full of Grace? 

Immediately upon seeing my Sno Balls cast in an unpleasant light, I had to defend my precious gas station delight (also the name of burlesque revue). First off, Sno Balls are both nostalgically and aesthetically pleasing. Just the act of looking at a Sno Ball’s bright pink semi-sphere can make me happy. And then when they make the violet Hoppers for Easter and the orange Glo Balls for Halloween? Stop it, I’m overjoyed! Anyone who isn’t the least bit curious about biting into a Glo Ball can stop reading this right now.

Secondly, it made me reflect on our society’s often dangerous mindset toward vilifying “unhealthy” food. If done with intelligence and moderation, any food can be incorporated into one’s diet without weight gain. Food doesn’t make people fat, people make people fat.

I know because I’ve done it to myself. In college, I gained roughly twenty pounds from the end of sophomore year to the middle of junior year. Guess what? Domino’s didn’t crawl into my bed at 1am and force feed me cheesy bread. Shaws didn’t make me buy a tub of cheese balls at 2am (actually they did because I had already opened it and was trying to steal it). I made all those food choices myself and I spent way more money on unhealthy food than on the healthier food I eat now.

Yes, foods such as almonds and fruit have better calories and are better for your body than say Doritos and ice cream. They will keep you fuller, make you burn fat. I support a diet with more healthy food than not. And yes, eating Sno Balls everyday might lead to this. Which, is why no one should eat them everyday or in large quantities. But, no one should eat anything in large quantities! Moderation, people, moderation. I continue to not only exercise and eat healthier, but also keep off the weight while incorporating junk foods and savory meals on a semi-regular basis.

Most of America is obese and that is a problem, but teaching kids to always avoid fries and Sno Balls is akin to abstinence-only teaching. There are fries and Sno Balls in the world and they’re gonna want to eat them just like one day they’re gonna want to have sex. It’s all about being safe, healthy, and smart in one’s choices. It’s time we start balancing our meals, making smarter decisions and most importantly, having fun with foods of ALL kinds. If you don’t want to eat Sno Balls, fine. But, don’t go ruining it for the rest of us.

Verdict: Innocent. Under-appreciated and classically Americana, the Sno Ball is an American staple just like beer cozies, cut-off jorts, or going to some sexual base in a suburban basement. Does kale have a creme filling or a fun outlook on life? Nope. Make America strong, support Sno Balls.