judge city

I have definitely been known to say one of the following after receiving a compliment:

“OMG no, I’m a disgusting troll monster. You look so great! Seriously obsessed with everything going on with you.”

“This necklace? I literally fished it out of the bottom of a garbage bag I found in the sewer.”

“What? This shirt? OMG it’s so old it’s like from high school, like it’s so old it’s bringing me back to being cyberbullied over AIM–wait, it’s not actually from high school because I’m a whale now and can’t fit into anything from then!” 

Not only am I so quick to deflect compliments back onto the giver, but I feel the need to constantly bring myself down instead of just receiving a compliment. For further information, see below:

Why do I do this? Why do we (as women interacting with other women) do this?

The easy answer would be that I don’t want to seem “bitchy” or “conceited.”  I don’t want to ‘own’ looking good or admit to wearing a cool pair of pants lest that person would I think I was counter-judging their own satorial choices by simply saying, ‘thank you.’ It’s also as if somehow having ‘cool pants’ might make me the Queen of All Cool Pants putting me faraway from the other women at the party.

It’s a trap, girl.

And this is the more under-the-surface answer. I, like many women, fear being ‘unrelateble.’ If I just say ‘thank you’ instead of swearing ‘I don’t normally look like this’ and I am, in fact, ‘actually a human wastebasket,’ then there is a fear that the complimenter will throw me through a   judgement wash of bitchy-conceited then a spin cycle of unrelatable-boring-basic.

And a sense of relatability is the ‘it’ trait to have right now.

This ‘relatabale’ phenomenon is explored artfully in this Slate article and worth a read.  ‘Relatable’ is even evident in our currently favored forms of celebrity worship. Gone are the days of the ‘unattainable’ celeb. We don’t want to fear, we want to be befriend our celebs. Just look at universal BFF’s Emma Stone and Jennifer Lawrence.

In a way this desire for relatability in media is awesome. Seeing celebs like Jennifer Lawrence talking about poop on Letterman is refreshing. It’s nice to see actresses like Emma Stone be  funny and not talk like a PR Robot Machine inhabited her brain space. Relatable can be great, it can be how we make friends and network.

Now, I can relate to this.

But, relatable shouldn’t be equated with having to justify looking and feeling good about ourselves.

By deflecting compliments and by being self-deprecating post-compliment, we get a chance to assure the complimenter that above all else ‘I know I might be wearing a nice shirt but seriously I’m just a human who farts just like you!’  We don’t have to constantly remind everyone we’re a humble, farting human when faced with a compliment. I think everyone can see that you’re not a cyborg…unless you’re a really, really well-made Blade Runner cyborg, which, your secret is safe with me.

The guise of ‘relatable’ equates with not only justifying onself, but also relying heavily on the self-deprecation aspect of the response to avoid judgement. If someone walked up to you and called you ‘gross’ and ‘not pretty at all’ you would probably tell them off, right? So why is it okay for you to call yourself those things? To be relatable? Bringing yourself down isn’t relatable, it’s just sad and some bullshit.  And I’m challenging myself to quit it too. To just say ‘thanks’ and shut my awkward, fearful yapper. To view compliments as they are: compliments. And most importantly, to try not to barter for relatability with hyperbolized self-deprecation.

And if that person complimenting me or you actually finds us bitchy/conceited/unrelatable/basic for simply saying ‘thank you,’ then run from that person. Seriously, anyone employing 8th Grade Machiavellian Cafeteria Tactics past the 8th grade is a psychopath through and through. At that point, fuck being relatable and just run.