judge city

Here I am (again) on Etsy, searching for some simple wall decor and BOOM! Weridness. The weirdness that only Etsy can do so well. Take a look:

10. Squirrelicious

Whether this furry rodent is photobombing a classic piece of art or nibbling grains on your kitchen table, Etsy is home to a disturbing amount of ‘squirrel art.’ Now, I can sort of understand why someone might want to buy the first one–squirrels on people’s heads are HILARIOUS! But, the second? I mean, where would you display this? Why is it shot so up-close? Why do I feel all tingly like a million squirrels are crawling all over my body when I look deep into its pitch black eye?

9. Cover Girl

See? There are worse Vogue covers than the Kimye one.

8. Rake it till you make it What a lovely idea! Use a rusty-ass vintage weapon to display flowers and your Precious Moments figurines! Also, why are there 189 reviews for this rake? Why did 189 separate people take the time to comment on a decorative rake?
Possible reviews:
“Great, I love it! It’s a rake.”
“Do NOT recommend, fell off the wall and scraped Grandma up pretty bad.”

7. Stay a while, won’t you?

Because nothing says ‘welcome to my home’ quite like this elegant portrait of Jason Voorhees.

6. Truth

Unless ‘home’ is also referring to the Wendy’s by my office. I also poop there.

5. Groovy, Baby?

This painting is why I’ve never wondered what Liam Gallagher would look like as a baby eating cereal. As with the squirrel portrait, WHAT PURPOSE DOES THIS PICTURE SERVE!? WHERE WOULD YOU PLACE THIS IN YOUR HOME!? WHY CAN THAT BABY STARE THROUGH HIS UV-PROTECTED LENSES DIRECTLY INTO MY SOUL!?

4. And I said, what about a bloodbath at Tiffany’s? Though it’s the more violent of the two movies, at least Bloodbath At Tiffany’s doesn’t have a Mickey-Rooney-as-a-racist-Asian-stereotype in it! QUICK CONFESSION: I don’t really love Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Guess you’ll have to pry both my Girl Card and Film Card from my cold dead hands.

3. Rules are Rules

Etsy has a nasty habit of providing the masses with what I like to call ‘family rules art.’ This wall decor annoys me not so much because it’s passive aggressive, but because you KNOW whatever family has this in their house is the family that doesn’t believe in any of the good, sugary snacks.

Oh, and in case you weren’t planning on doing this after number 2, you sick fuck:

2. And, what do we say?

No. In our house we say, ‘Give me Jesus, please.’ Didn’t you see that rule on our fun family rule art?

And the winner is……..
1. Weeeeeeeeed! APRIL SALE!!!! Get it!?!?!?!??!