judge city

Once upon a time, people lived in caves and were really, really hairy. Some hunted, some gathered, and those not good at either became cave painters or probably died. Then a lot of things happened and people became less hairy and more communicative. Soon enough these people became so smart and invented grocery stores and Doritos. Yay!

I guess I skipped over the whole part about farming. That was important to human development/current diet. Quick review:

seed–>ground–> water/sun –> vegetables and fruit –> grocery stores

So, what would you say if a Cave Person saw the modern world and asked you (via a translator, of course): “If there is so much food where you live, why the hell are people going on juice fasts?”

You know what, Cave Person? I don’t know. Actually, it’s not that I don’t know, it’s that I don’t care. I don’t care about your juice fast.

I’ve never even been on a juice fast, but I feel like I have. Maybe it’s because EVERYONE ON A JUICE FAST HAS TO TELL ME REPEATEDLY THAT THEY’RE ON A JUICE FAST. And not just casually slip it in, but complain and whine the entire duration of the fast about how they ‘can only drink juice’ and that ‘they want carbs’ and feel ‘annoyed they’re on a juice fast.’ Sustaining yourself on liquids and the errant apple for more than a day does suck and would make you irritable, but guess what?

YOU put YOURSELF on this crazy ass juice fast.

No one is forcing you to juice. Its not like  Gwyneth Paltrow stood over your bed and was like, “I will kidnap your entire family if you do not go on a juice fast RIGHT NOW. You think the bad guy in Taken was evil? Try me, trick. Inside your fridge you will find all of the juice you need for the week. I will be watching you–SO HELP ME–if I see anything other than liquids hit your lips. Remember, the motherfuckin’ GOOP will be watching you.”

That is not what happens!

Unless that did happen to you, in which case, I am sorry, that must have been very unsettling.

Aside from the fact it’s annoying to listen to, it’s also frustrating to hear you complain about voluntarily giving up food. We are lucky to live in a place where we could walk to a bodega or drive to a grocery store to buy nourishment or even have solid foods delivered to you at almost any time of the day/night. So complaining about ‘not being able to eat’ is completely asinine.

Another annoying side-effect of the constant talking/whining about juicing is  the propagation of the restrictive attitude prevalent in certain sectors of the health industry, which is: “I will be virtuous and healthy in going without.” This restrictive, extreme version of “I’m going to be healthier than thou” lurks in the underbelly of your ‘FML juicing’ Instagram pics and Facebook statues. And this sort of masochism-in-the-name-of-health trend should disappear.

The whole notion of restriction/extremity in the health industry is so distorted I would need a whole other post to explain why something like juice fasting does not make you healthier than someone who does not. After all that whining and tiredness, its hard to believe that at the end of it all you feel as ‘great’ as you claim to feel. Feeling constantly hungry to the point where you ‘no longer feel hungry’ isn’t healthy and I don’t want any part of it.

Whatever your reason is–a quick detox (whatever), jumpstart on weight loss (huh?), weight loss (NO)–is your choice. If juice fasting makes you happy and you are one of the rare breeds of people who don’t totally sound like a spoiled psycho during juice fasts, awesome! But for the others, I refuse to listen to your complaining as if your juice fast is a real problem.

Once again: Don’t care that you’re juice fasting. Don’t care why you’re juice fasting. And I certainly don’t give a fuck that you’re ‘hangry.’ Remember, you choose this for yourself so either eat something or sip and shut up.