judge city

Chances are if you’ve ever received  a present from me it has come from the wonderful internet craft fair known as Etsy.

Etsy can be a marketplace filled with infinity scarves, tiny pendent necklaces, paintings of foxes, sad boyfriends, handmade wooden iPhone cases, and other generally crafty, often monogrammed, goodies.

But, sometimes crafting gets fucking weird.

Case in point: my Etsy search of artwork in the $5-$45 range.  What I found, well, let me just show you:

1) Namaste, Dog Penis

I love all dog pictures ESPECIALLY when they’re dressed in funny costumes or doing human things (or both). So you’d think: dog practicing yoga=gold. Not so cute when it so clearly displays the dog’s wiener.  Even painting the dog in see-thru lulu lemon yoga pants would be slightly less uncomfortable.

2) Jesus + Germs

Just  your daily reminder that Jesus and micro-fragments of poop are always around you.

3) Rainbow Showers

I don’t really have to explain why a giant baby peeing a rainbow on what looks like my apartment is odd at best.

4) WTF

WTF IS THIS!?!? WHY IS THIS A THING? WHERE WOULD YOU EVEN DISPLAY THIS? SO MANY THOUGHTS. IT IS NOT FOR CHILDREN, KIDS,  ALL, HIM, HER! This is for no one. Ever. Never. Ever. Ever. Etsy–and even Ukraine–you can both do better.

5) What’s that tiny bit of doubt for?

I’m 100% sure you’re an awful person.

6) King Daddy

I am so fed up with whole notion of putting daddy on a pedestal as a daughter’s ‘first man she’ll ever love’ and her ‘king’ that no man will ‘ever live up to.’ You know what my dad is king of? Getting bagels every Sunday and messing up the pronunciation of celebrity names. He is the king of those things. Dads are not your Kings, they’re just your dad. Okay? Okay.

7) Yikes

You know how when you put a marshmallow in the microwave and it puffs up real big then deflates into a melted, wrinkly shell of what it once was? That’s what this looks like. Except as a penis.

8) ‘Batman Puking His Friggin Guts Out’

They got two things right in the description: This is a picture of Batman puking his friggin guts out and this is fine art. This is probably how a lot of Batman nerds felt when Ben Affleck was cast as the new Batman! BURN!!!!!!!! I actually don’t know who I burned there, probably myself. Anyway, I need this now.

9) Watch the step

In my house we don’t distract people with stupid words when they are trying to walk up the steps. Also, no one cares.

10) Better than a Family Portrait

I love Human Centipede as much as the next gal, which is why I totally respect this piece of decor. But, someone who has this in their place of residence either: 1) is warning you that you are going to be a part of the ‘pede (if that’s the case, I call dibs on being first ‘pede) 2) doesn’t give a fuck about being outwardly creepy.

11) Ambitonz as a Nail Art

I don’t know why nail art would be in the Home Decor section. But, I don’t care. These decals are awesome and I want them. They also had Frieda Khalo, who is cool, but she didn’t drop ‘Hit ‘Em Up,’ did she?

12) Holy Spirit(s)

I don’t know why this portrait of the cast of Ghostbusters 2 as the Nativity scene exists…but I am so glad it does. Amen.