judge city

As a child I had a near paralyzing fear of escalators all of which stems from a particularly gruesome Rescue 911 episode I made the mistake of watching. A little boy’s shoelace got caught at the bottom of the escalator’s evil metal steps and soon devoured most of his skin. Thus, in turn, causing my first panic attack. Malls and shopping centers soon became sinister places. But…did it want to make me take the stairs? As a lazy child I had a tough decision: take the escalator (easy, but might rip your skin off) or walk up the stairs (more work, less risk of potential skin graft)? Get eaten by the escalator or get exercise? Hmmm…

Overcoming my fear of escalators meant seeing all the good they can provide (as long as you don’t wear shoes with laces on them). More importantly, feeling the dread of when they breakdown at, say, the train station when I’m carrying heavy bags and an iced coffee was more crucial in ending this phobia. See, once I realized convenience is truly worth the risk of getting 95% of your skin /hair ripped off, escalators no longer appeared ominous. And that, my friends, is the American way.

Any-who, as someone who takes an escalator most days, I find there are two schools of thought on escalator etiquette. The first school of thought is that the escalator was invented to make walking easier and not to be ridden like the teacups at Disney. The second school of thought views escalators as a lovely respite from all the walking/shopping you’ve just done, where its endless loop of stairs does all the work for you. I’m all for the latter.

When someone of the first school gets on they’re usually very hurried as if the half-second the escalator saves them will make a difference in getting to their super important destination on time. It’s not going to! I see this all the time in the subway. If you are late, you are late. Running up the escalator, pushing everyone aside, isn’t gonna help you–in fact it’s gonna hurt you because you’ll get all sweaty and then look even more a fool being late and sweaty. AND THIS INCREASES YOUR RISK OF FREAK ESCALATOR ACCIDENTS HAVE YOU NOT SEEN RESCUE 911!? Don’t be a hero!*

Sometimes I notice these ‘Walkers’ and ‘Joggers’ hustle up the escalators purely to show off their physical prowess. They’ll do a subtle once over at all of us ‘Riders’ like, “Ugh, lazies! Watch me as I awkwardly walk/jog up this giant Stairmaster! Eat my dust fatties!’

If I saw anyone actually sprint sup the escalator in good form, I would slow clap. But no one looks remotely agile rambling up the escalator and I just laugh at YOU for being the foolish one not to take the convenient gift of a free ride that is offered to you.

However, walking/jogging up an escalator can be okay if done respectfully. I do sort of understand hurrying up an escalator in the subway if you’re really that desperate. Sometimes rushing like that gives you the comforting feeling that you are doing the best you can to make it on time and I understand that feeling, as futile as it may be. I guess for some the escalator is kind of like the moving walkway in the airport, which given my laziness, I surprisingly always walk on (rather than just ride)**. I can sort of respect that. Sort of.

Cher would never walk up an escalator.

As a staunch Rider, I will say that us Riders need to agree not to stand in twos on the escalator. Though I don’t condone walking up and down the sweet, sweet escalator, I do think that we should compromise with our fellow patrons and give them the space to walk if they want to (be a fool).  That also means Walkers/Joggers need to stop making those ‘huffing’ sounds of annoyance when they are trying to get up an escalator and others (who are NOT directly in their way) just want to ride. That is annoying and passive aggressive. The next person who gives me a ‘hmpprrfff’ on the escalator at Herald Square is going to get a really, really bitchy stare from me. Really.

BUT there is absolutely NO excuse for walking/jogging up the escalator at the mall. Are you really in a hurry to get to the Gap that you’re pushing me with your dumbass shopping bags? No. You are not. Just relax, ride, enjoy. Hey! Treat yourself to a massage chair at Brookstone or a fake ponytail at the ponytail pagoda when you’re all done. Just take a minute from your busy life and ride the escalator.

*Don’t Be a Hero! will be my new escalator safety PSA and the poster will feature a person about to run onto the escalator and his/her shoelace is about to catch the bottom of the subway escalator steps.

**I think walking on the moving walkway with luggage makes more sense than walking up an escalator as I don’t find that the escalator makes it any easier for me to walk as the moving runway does. Plus, walking on the moving runway to a song like ‘In the Air’ is a really great way to look and feel cool.