judge city

Sunday, early afternoon: To begin, you pick out your outfit carefully so that it is Pintrest-ably stylish and laced with a hint of hipster tendency just in case someone decides to take a group shot. Keys, wallet, sunglasses (do not forget these especially if you’re going al fresco). Oh, and PHONE!

Congrats! You’ve arrived at brunch. There’s already a huge line. First things first, check-in on Foursquare. Second things second, properly say ‘hi’ to your friends. Scan the place for Instagram-able things other than that pic of your blueberry-challah-bread-french-toast-covered-in-cinnamon-glaze that you are inevitably going to take and upload to the FIT (facebook-instagram-twitter). Sit down, finally. Bellini’s, cheers, snap pic of Bellini’s. Do it over, you didn’t get the shot. Tweet a witty aside from the table, secretly capturing the moment and showing off your brilliant friends.

Standard. Social media has transformed brunch from social meal into a social staple, an occasion in the realm of a birthday party, dinner party, reunion, etc. Unlike such events as dinner parties where etiquette is complex, brunch’s main social requirement is to act like a civilized human being in a public setting. There aren’t really do’s and don’ts specifically geared toward—wait–put your phone down right now and officially stop paying attention to your friends. Notice the amount of couples inhabiting your eating area literally sticking to each other with the pheromones of last night’s tryst.

And THAT pure amount of PDA is what is unique to brunch and often not discussed. See,  where sex might happen after a dinner date, brunch is usually the result of couples getting frisky before (whether last night or this morning or in the past).  It’s rare to see a first date be a brunch date. Brunch is just something you do with people you already know–in any capacity.

Not all the couples at brunch slumbered down from the boudoir, but due to the high percentage of PDA I notice around brunchtime, I’d say this  is mostly because 1) it is convenient to grab a casual meal with a good hookup  2) it’s a way for new couples to get used to couple-y public arena activities 3) of that need for intimacy at all times in the throes of a new fling.

Alas, whether you’re Jay-Bey or Simpson & Lachey circa Newlyweds, PDA is gross. Everyone knows that.  We get it, you had sex last night. And probably this morning. We’ve all gotten swept away where you start actin’ a fool in public.

Love/lust/passion isn’t gross, but PDA is. For this reason, PDA at brunch is not right, but it CAN be okay. When at brunch, keep in mind:

-If you’re in a new relationship and just had sex for the first time last night: Congrats! You’re just focused on the early stages of fun/romance and not the crushing weight of existential/parental/economic baggage you eventually bring into every relationship. Yay! In any case, lock-it-the-hell up. Cuddling in line and making out in such proximity to strangers like myself is unsettling.

-Speaking of cuddling: Butt-grabbing is so WEIRD! Keeping your hand in someone’s back pocket is bizarre–it’s like you’re asking to get your hand tooted on. Such a strange form of PDA. Also, arm around shoulder is fine, but snuggling is iffy. Remember, this is daylight.

-If you’re in a booth, OMG WHY ARE YOU SITTING ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE BOOTH LEAVING THE OTHER BOOTH SIDE EMPTY!? CAN YOU LITERALLY NOT STAND TO BE SEPARATED BY A  SMALL TABLE!? It’s fine to sit on opposite sides of the table. You’re  at brunch, she/he has already agreed to be seen in public with you, even share an entire meal with you. I’m sure you’ll have sex again real soon.

-Kissing: Quick pecks are fine, I’m not looking to squash love into apricot preserve. Anything more than a quick peck on the lips or cheek should be saved for intimate moments a.k.a when no one is watching/trying to eat.

-Just the tip: I should not see two tongues from two separate mouths touching while pancakes are entering my mouth. As with booth couple, I’m sure you’ll have sex again real soon.

Still confused as to what is appropriate brunch PDA? If you would be embarrassed having one of your parents/boss/respected mentors like Mr. Feeny watch you do this, you probably shouldn’t do it in public. Or more aptly, if  if it feels a little too good downstairs when you do it, don’t do it in public.